Children Grow From Foundations, Not Expectations

As an early childhood educator, one of the things I have learned over the years is that children rarely fit neatly into a chart.

We like charts. We like milestones. We like knowing that a three-year-old should be doing this, a four-year-old should be doing that, and a five-year-old should be ready for school.

But children do not develop in neat little boxes.

Children grow from foundations.

Those foundations are built from many things: nutrition, sleep, attachment, housing, trauma, family history, generational patterns, relationships, temperament, and opportunities to play. Developmental theories give us valuable tools for understanding children, but I have never been someone who believes one theory explains everything.

After almost 30 years of working with children from birth to five and their families, I have learned to look at the whole child.

Before We Ask What a Child Should Be Doing, We Need to Ask What They Are Standing On

When a child is struggling, my first question is rarely, “What milestone are they missing?”

I am more likely to wonder what is happening underneath the behavior.

Are they sleeping? Are they getting enough nutritious food? Do they feel safe? Do they have stable housing? Who is caring for them? What has their family experienced? Have there been disruptions in attachment? Are they experiencing trauma or significant stress? What patterns may have been passed down through their family? Do they have opportunities to play? Do they have a trusted adult who understands them?

These questions matter because development does not happen in isolation.

A child who is tired may have difficulty regulating their emotions. A child who is hungry may have difficulty concentrating. A child experiencing housing instability may have difficulty feeling secure. A child who has experienced trauma may respond to situations differently than another child of the same age. A child who has experienced repeated disruptions in relationships may need more time and support to develop trust.

But there is another part of this conversation that I think we sometimes forget.

Children do not only inherit our struggles. They inherit our strengths, too.

A child may grow up in a family that has experienced trauma, but that same child may also be surrounded by people who are incredibly nurturing. They may learn kindness from a grandmother, empathy from a parent, perseverance from watching a family member overcome hardship, or generosity from a community that has supported their family.

They may carry difficult experiences with them, but they can also carry beautiful ones.

A child who has experienced loss may develop a remarkable sensitivity toward other people's feelings. A child who has watched adults work through difficult circumstances may learn determination. A child who has been deeply nurtured may carry that ability to nurture others into their own relationships.

This is why I am careful about talking about generational patterns as though they are a sentence.

Patterns can be passed down.

So can healing.

So can resilience.

So can love.

Our experiences become part of us, but they do not have to determine who we become.

Development Is More Than What Happened to a Child

When we talk about trauma and adverse experiences, it can be easy to focus entirely on what happened to a child.

·       What happened?

·       What was missing?

·       What went wrong?

Those questions matter, but they are not the whole story.

I also want to know:

·       Who showed up for this child?

·       Who made them laugh?

·       Who held them when they were upset?

·       Who taught them to be kind?

·       Who encouraged their curiosity?

·       Who gave them opportunities to play?

·       Who believed in them?

·       What traditions did their family share?

·       What strengths already exist within this family?

·       What does this child already know about caring for other people?

Those experiences matter, too.

When we only look for trauma, we can accidentally create a deficit-based picture of a child. We can begin to see the child only through everything that has happened to them, rather than seeing the whole person.

I don't want to do that.

I want to understand the difficult things without losing sight of the good things.

A child is not only the product of what hurt them.

They are also shaped by what nurtured them.

Theories Help Me Understand the Child, But They Do Not Define the Child

This is where developmental theories become useful to me.

When I work with families, I find myself returning most often to several developmental perspectives: Adler, Erikson, Piaget, and the stages of play.

Each gives me a different lens.

Adler's idea that “a misbehaving child is a discouraged child” has stayed with me because it changes the question we ask about behavior.

Instead of simply asking, “How do we stop this behavior?” I can ask, “What is this child communicating, and where might they be feeling disconnected from belonging or significance?”

Children have an innate need to feel that they belong. When that need is not being met, behavior can become one of the ways they communicate that something is wrong.

But belonging is not only about correcting what is missing.

It is also about recognizing what is already there.

When a child shows empathy toward another child, I want to notice it.

When a child comforts a friend, I want to notice it.

When a child keeps trying after something is difficult, I want to notice it.

When a child demonstrates kindness, curiosity, humor, creativity, or compassion, those are not small things. They are part of the foundation, too.

Sometimes as educators, we become so focused on the behavior we need to change that we forget to name the behaviors we want to grow.

Children need to know what they are doing well.

Families need to hear it, too.

Sometimes We Have to Go Back Before We Can Move Forward

Erik Erikson's theory is another framework I use when working with families.

I have worked with children and teens whose early experiences included significant disruptions in their relationships with caregivers. In some cases, children were removed from their parents when they were very young and later returned to their families.

Years may have passed, but that does not automatically mean the underlying relationship has healed.

A teenager and parent may get along. They may laugh together. They may live together. But that does not necessarily mean there is a deep sense of trust.

Sometimes, before a family can move forward, they need to revisit an earlier developmental need.

If trust was disrupted early in life, rebuilding trust may need to happen before we expect independence, responsibility, or deeper connection.

This is one reason I am cautious about saying, “They are too old for that.”

Development does not always happen according to the calendar.

Sometimes a child needs to return to a foundation that was never fully established.

But even here, I don't want to assume that a difficult history means everything is broken.

A parent who struggled to provide consistency may still have an incredible capacity to love their child.

A teenager who experienced early instability may also have developed remarkable empathy.

A family working through generations of difficult patterns may already be doing something incredibly important: trying to change them.

That matters.

Healing is part of development, too.

A Three-Year-Old Is Not Automatically “Ready” Because They Turned Three

Piaget is another theory I frequently reference when talking with parents.

Parents often come to me with concerns about attachment, object permanence, sharing, problem-solving, or how their child is thinking about the world.

I remind them that a child's chronological age gives us information, but it does not tell us everything about their developmental experience.

Just because a child turns three does not mean they suddenly check every box associated with the next developmental stage.

Children develop at different rates, and they build understanding through experiences.

That is why I have always believed so strongly in creating environments where children can explore, experiment, make choices, and learn through hands-on experiences.

As a preschool teacher, this influenced how I designed my classrooms. The classroom was not simply a place where children were given activities. The environment itself was part of the curriculum.

Blocks, dramatic play, sensory materials, books, art, manipulatives, movement, and opportunities for social interaction all gave children ways to construct their understanding of the world.

And I wanted parents to understand why.

I would invite families into the classroom and explain why materials were arranged in certain ways, why children were given choices, and why play was such an important part of learning.

I wanted parents to see that learning does not stop when a child leaves the classroom.

They can create learning environments at home, too.

Play Is Not a Straight Line

Play is another area where parents sometimes become worried unnecessarily.

I have had parents ask me why their four- or five-year-old is playing alone when they believe their child should be engaging in cooperative play. Sometimes they are concerned because their child seems to have moved backward from one type of play to another.

I see play differently.

The stages of play help us understand development, but I don't see them as a staircase where a child climbs one step and can never return.

Children move back and forth.

They revisit earlier forms of play. They may play cooperatively one day and engage in parallel or solitary play the next.

Sometimes this is simply where their personality feels safest.

I have seen this happen when a shy child enters a new environment, such as a sport or group activity. A four- or five-year-old may stand on the outside and watch rather than immediately jumping into the activity.

That does not automatically mean something is wrong.

Sometimes they are observing. Sometimes they are processing. Sometimes they need time.

And sometimes an observation reveals additional indicators that tell us we need to look more closely at the child's development and consider whether an evaluation may be appropriate.

The difference is in the observation.

We do not need to panic because a child is not performing exactly as we expected.

We need to pay attention.

We Take the Good and the Hard With Us

I think this is one of the most important things we can remember when we talk about child development.

Children are shaped by their experiences.

Some of those experiences are difficult.

Some are beautiful.

Most children carry both.

We all do.

The child who grows up experiencing instability may also grow up knowing what it means to be resilient.

• The child who has experienced loss may develop deep compassion.

• The child who has been nurtured may learn to nurture others.

• The child who has watched adults overcome challenges may learn perseverance.

• The child who has been surrounded by people who show kindness may learn to recognize kindness and offer it to others.

Our histories matter, but they are not the entirety of our stories.

As educators, our job is not to erase a child's history or pretend difficult experiences did not happen.

Our job is to understand what the child is carrying and help them build from there.

Sometimes that means helping a child heal.

Sometimes it means helping a parent understand their child's behavior.

Sometimes it means creating a classroom where a child finally feels safe enough to explore.

Sometimes it means noticing a strength that nobody else has noticed yet.

And sometimes it means helping a family recognize that they are already doing something right.

The Foundation Matters More Than the Expectation

This is where I think we sometimes get development backward.

We look at what a child should be doing and then try to figure out why they aren't doing it.

·       I would rather start underneath.

·       What is happening in this child's life?

·       What experiences have shaped them?

·       What relationships are influencing them?

·       What does their family carry with them?

·       What strengths are already present?

·       What does this child need in order to feel safe enough to learn?

·       What can we build on?

These questions do not excuse challenging behavior.

They help us understand it.

There is a significant difference.

Understanding does not mean lowering expectations or deciding that a child cannot learn. It allows us to set more appropriate expectations because we are responding to the actual child in front of us rather than an imaginary child who happens to be the same age.

And sometimes, understanding the foundation shows us something wonderful.

The child we thought was struggling may actually be incredibly resilient.

The child we thought was withdrawn may be carefully observing.

The child we thought was overly sensitive may have a remarkable capacity for empathy.

The family we thought needed to be “fixed” may actually be working incredibly hard to change a pattern that has existed for generations.

We need to be willing to see those things, too.

Children Are More Than Their Milestones

One of the biggest lessons my years in early childhood have taught me is that development is incredibly complex.

• A child is not a checklist.

• They are not a score.

• They are not a percentile.

• They are not a behavior problem.

And they are certainly not a collection of developmental milestones.

They are a whole person growing within a family, a community, and a set of experiences that began long before they entered our classroom.

That is why I never look at one theory when I am trying to understand a child.

I use Adler to think about belonging and encouragement. I use Erikson to think about relationships, trust, identity, and developmental needs. I use Piaget to think about how children construct understanding. I use the stages of play to understand how children are communicating and learning through play.

And then I look beyond the theories.

• I look at the child.

• I look at the family.

• I look at the environment.

• I look at what has happened before this moment.

• And I look at what is already working.

Because children do not grow only from what we repair.

They grow from what we nurture.

After nearly 30 years of working with young children and families, I have learned that the most important question is not always, “What should this child be doing?”

Sometimes the better question is:

“What does this child need in order to grow?”

And sometimes there is another question right beside it:

“What is already growing here that we can nurture?”

When we strengthen the foundation, expectations become much more realistic. we understand the foundation, we can meet children where they actually are—not. where we think they should be. And when we recognize both the wounds and the strengths children carry with them, we give them something even more valuable than a checklist of developmental expectations.

We give them room to grow.

That is where meaningful development begins.

Children grow from foundations, not expectations. And when we take the time to understand the foundation, we can stop asking children to fit our expectations and start creating the conditions they need to become who they are capable of becoming.

About the Author

Sally Cote is an early childhood educator, parent educator, curriculum developer, and Master of Education candidate with more than 20 years of experience supporting children and families. Her professional experience includes working as a preschool teacher, childcare director, substitute teacher, doula, and family support professional. Through her work, Sally advocates for developmentally appropriate practice, meaningful play, family engagement, and whole-child approaches to learning. She is passionate about helping families understand child development and creating environments where children can thrive socially, emotionally, physically, and academically.

References

Adler Graduate School. (n.d.). Alfred Adler: Theory and application. Retrieved June 18, 2025, from https://www.alfredadler.edu/about/alfred-adler-theory-application/

Pathways.org. (n.d.). How kids learn to play: 6 stages of play development. Retrieved June 18, 2025, from https://pathways.org/kids-learn-play-6-stages-play-development

PositivePsychology.com. (n.d.). Piaget stages of cognitive development. Retrieved June 18, 2025, from https://positivepsychology.com/piaget-stages-theory/

Psychology Notes HQ. (2021, April 11). Erik Erikson's stages of psychosocial development. https://www.psychologynoteshq.com/erikson-stages/